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Family Musings

Taking Time for Yourself. Because Baby, You’re Worth It! Undoubtedly, all American women are familiar with the L’Oréal Paris advertising tagline “because you’re worth it.” This famous tagline was first inspired by Joanne Dusseau in 1971 and has been uttered across the fabulous lips of everyone from Cybil Shepard, Diane Keaton, and Jennifer Lopez to Beyoncé and Camilla Cabello. (Shatzman, 2021). Since its debut, it has been translated into 40 languages and continues to resonate with women across the world. We all know this famous tagline and can see the various beauties reminding us how worth it we are in our heads. But, somehow, we all forget the true message here. Baby, you really ARE worth it! Sometimes our lives don’t look anything like the life of the one delivering the line. My life is more reminiscent of a mom with no makeup and no bra, clumsily emerging from a bedroom in a messy bun, yoga pants, and a tee shirt screaming at the kids to put their shoes on, or we’ll all be late. Does this sound more familiar to anyone else? The truth is…this girl needs it more than others. The miracles performed everyday in taking care of children, home, and everything in between all by yourself truly makes YOU worth it. Finding the time can seem impossible. Look, I get it. I was a single mom of three kids for a long time. I worked a full-time job, had to manage all the childcare, meals, repairs, bills, and laundry. All I wanted to do at the end of the day is crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep. Single momma, here’s my advice to you. Eh, hem… “The time for YOU isn’t gonna come looking for you. YOU have to go looking for it.” Putting yourself last is what you do. As an amazing, loving mother, your kids are always first. But, before you put this article down, consider this notion. The more mentally healthy you are, the better it is for your kids. Think about that. Allowing yourself to get so drained down to the point that you are easily agitated or so tired you can’t function is actually hurting those babies you are working so hard for. Loving them better means loving you better. But, hey…don’t take my word for it. How about Matthew Glowiak’s word. He’s part of the clinical faculty at Southern New Hampshire University and published an article on this very thing. He states… “Burning the candle at both ends, so-to-speak, comes with significant consequences, which may include but are not limited to burnout, depression, anxiety, resentment and a whole host of other negative implications. Engaging in a self-care routine has been clinically proven to reduce or eliminate anxiety and depression, reduce stress, improve concentration, minimize frustration and anger, increase happiness, improve energy, and more. From a physical health perspective, self-care has been clinically proven to reduce heart disease, stroke and cancer. Spiritually, it may help keep us in tune with our higher power as well as realize our meaning in life.” (Glowiak, 2020). If you’re not partial to Mr. Glowiak’s sort of wisdom, how about some good ole’ Maya Angelou wisdom? She said, “As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.” (Edberg, 2022). Did you catch that…two hands aren’t for them, it’s one for you and one for them. Finding the Me Time We’ve covered that we all need the me time. Now, let’s discuss how to make the “me time”. For this advice, let’s go to another amazing woman we all know and love. “We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails.” Dolly Parton (Edberg, 2022). “Adjusting that sails” is on us to figure out. We’ve got to make the time, no matter how short it is to just do you. This is called creating balance. The US Department of Health and Human Services states that “balance means making sure we have time to do the things that make us feel happy and fulfilled. This includes working (paid or unpaid), having fun, spending time with family and friends, participating in the community, being physically active. …because we each have individual needs, preferences, and capabilities, what we consider “balance” will also look different.” (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, 2016). Let’s simplify this a bit. Taking me time, the way I want to take it, includes an awfully expensive (money I don’t have), day-long (time I don’t have), destination trip to a spa for pampering. But the reality is that it doesn’t have to be that extensive. Sometimes, taking a mini break for yourself can happen in a single minute. For example…true story, and I fully encourage you to use your imagination and picture this in your mind. It may be just the “me time” break you needed today. I’m standing over the stove cooking dinner. I have my 14-year-old working his suave on his mom to get permission to go to a friend’s house this weekend in which I will be committed to provide transportation. At the same time, the 8-year-old is asking me to watch her latest dance move which is exactly like the last 13 moves she has shown me. She is not to be outdone by the 10-year-old who is telling me about the boy she likes at school and how another girl likes him too, but he likes her and not her. And for some reason, it’s collectively important to each that they get their mothers full attention right then and there. Does this sound familiar to anyone? Before I lose it, I turn the knob on the stove to off. I get the attention of all three children and say “Mommy will be back in 5 minutes. You are not to move, you are not to touch anything, and you are to just chill for 5 minutes. No, you can’t come with me and it’s none of your business where I’m going.” Because I know my kids are old enough and trustworthy enough to not kill themselves for 5 minutes of absence, I grab my phone and head straight for the back door. As I’m heading down the grassy hill that runs behind my house, I’m fidgeting with my phone in an effort to find just the right song to get me through. Music is my thing. Nothing can change my mood like a good song. So, once I’ve found the right song, which happens to be a 90’s hip hop iconic song Poison by Bell Biv Devoe, I put it on to play as loud as I can. I stand out in the backyard singing at the top of my voice along to the music and begin to dance. Do I look like a crazy person, yes. Do my neighbors worry about my mental fitness, probably. Are there weird looks coming my way, for sure. Did taking 5 minutes for myself to listen to one song and dance out my anxiety help? Absolutely! Did I learn to never “trust a big butt and a smile” (lyrics to this song, in case you didn’t know)? Sure Did! Rather than losing it and yelling at my kids for doing nothing more than being kids, I was able to hit MY reset button. In just 5 minutes, I channeled my frustration into an outlet that works for me. Once the song was over, I headed right back into the house. To my utter amazement, everyone was just fine. I was able to walk back over to the stove, turn it on, and begin my ritual of telling the 8-year-old to show me that last dance move again and say “nuh-uh” in affirmation of my 10-year-olds position on the boys at school. And by then, my 14-year-old had made his way over to the couch with enough energy to call out, “what’s for dinner?” You know what? I didn’t lose it. I had released some of the internal frustration enough to reset me and allow me to respond better to the needs of my babies. Final Inspiration: The moral of the story here is that mini breaks can be taken. Walking outside for 5 minutes isn’t just for moms with older kids. Cribs, gates, and safety solutions are all ways to keep your kids safe while you decompress for 5 minutes. You’re not a horrible mom for taking 5 minutes to yourself. Your kids will not be damaged or get to a point of thinking you abandoned them by taking 5 minutes for you. You don’t have to like music or dancing. You might just like silence. Whatever it is for you, find it! What is the thing that belongs to you? That thing that has a way of calming you or switching your mood? Whether it be screaming into a pillow or dunking your head under the faucet or dancing in the yard…find it! It’s so worth it. So, tell me…What’s your mini break? “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.” Isaiah 26:3

Taking Time for Yourself

Because Baby You're Worth It!

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My husband and I were discussing the good ole’ days the other night. You know…the simpler times of when there were not cell phone, email, social media, and definitely not more than one tv in the house. Back when rabbit ears were required to watch anything on the tube and when electronics did not consume our lives. Back when the phone in the house had a dial and a huge list of names and numbers taped up right next to it. Man, that cord could stretch to Mars and back if your mom had the long cord. Back when the way you found the other kids in the neighborhood to play with was by seeing which lawn had all the bikes laying on their sides. And knowing that you better be home when the streetlights came on or there would be hell to pay with the parentals. We became so good at timing those lights, didn’t we? My kids are from 10 to 24 years in age, so I’ve had the opportunity to parent kids at various stages of electronic dependance in their lives. It’s becoming increasingly difficult as our children age in today’s environment. We all know that technological capability in our world is exponentially increasing each year, and that’s not just at NASA. It’s coming fast and furious to our homes as well. Parenting in today’s world feels vastly foreign from our own childhood. How do you help your kids navigate a world that you have no experience with? When we were kids, our social life ended when we hit the front porch of our homes. If you weren’t physically at school, the drama of the playground couldn’t touch you. We had a reprieve. Today, our kids don’t have that escape. We, as parents, have armed the bullies. Think about that for a minute. In an effort to ensure our kids feel a part of their friends, culture, and are not singled out for being a “have-not”, we have also equipped everlasting access to our kids and unconsciously eliminated their reprieve and safe spaces. Before you go thinking I’m woke, or an advocate of creating physical “safe-spaces” for our kids at every step of their life, let me be clear and say that I’m an old-school parent. I believe in things like tough love, holding kids accountable, taking them to church, and allowing them to navigate some hard things. And yes, I’m a parent who believes there’s nothing wrong with a good ole-fashioned spanking for kids. When used properly, you’ll be able to count on one hand the number of times you have to do it. This is the time in this article that I imagine I’m going to lose quite a few parents. And that’s okay. I’m not for everyone. So, at this point, I’ll assume the parents still reading are similar in parenting style and we can proceed to some parenting work together. So, here’s my subject at hand…What do we do with the technology subject in our homes? My answer…I have no flipping idea, but I’m working hard to figure it out. I don’t believe we can put the proverbial rabbit back in the hat. Some parents choose to not give their kids access to mobile devices or social media at all. And that’s ok if it works for you. There are also many schools of thought on what age is appropriate for kids to begin using any device or having a mobile device. I haven’t quite figured that out and am open to suggestions. After seeing the dangers, we are holding off a little longer these days for the younger ones but haven’t decided not to participate all-together. According to the Mayo Clinic, there are a plethora of issues that can arise from too much screen time. The following is their brief list. “Too much screen time and regular exposure to poor-quality programming has been linked to: • Obesity • Inadequate sleep schedules and insufficient sleep • Behavior problems • Delays in language and social skills development • Violence • Attention problems • Less time learning” (Mayo Clinic, 2022) Yikes! Here’s a link to the article if you’d like to read it. There’s a ton of information and some tips and tricks you can try at your house. (SEE RESOURCES BELOW) The Earn, NOT Owed Method This is new to us but seems to be working so far. It runs with two key principles: 1. Screen Time isn’t owed to you, it’s earned! 2. Earning time is doing something that is helpful to your mind, body, or spirit including things done to better the lives of your family members. A couple of key things to note that will help make this successful. First, this is not just for the kids. This is for the parents too. Doing this as a family does two key things: This shows the kids that this isn’t a punishment. This is a family thing and all members of the family live by this rule of life. It’s “our family thing”. It opens our own eyes to the amount of non-productive time we spend on technology. It’s been eye-opening to me to see how much time I spend on my mobile device scrolling through Facebook or playing silly games. Sure, TV isn’t my thing as it is for the kids, but I have my fair share of mind-numbing, technology-embracing activities. Secondly, working with the kids to define the activities that are “earnable” is important. The activities DO NOT have to be boring for them. It’s super important that this is clear to them. The earned time can be fun! It just needs to be productive to the mind, body, or spirit. Here’s a few things we’ve tried so far that fit into the productive, yet fun category: • Listen to an educational podcast while you’re getting ready for the day. • Try a new type of music and explain to someone what you think about it. Hate it, like it, feel about it…whatever! No right or wrong answer, just trying something new. • Read a book. • Write a short story. • Journal. • Go to your doctor’s appointment – yep it counts. Good for the body. • Go to the YMCA and shoot some hoops. • Play outside with friends. • Play a board game. Yes, you can earn time by doing things like chores around the house, doing homework, etc., but when you begin this process, be sure to help your kids earn with the fun stuff first. This is proving to be super engaging for our kids. They are making choices to earn by doing things they like, and making choices to skip electronics to save up in their bank of time. Lastly, the earned math is up to you. We discussed it as a family and we all agreed that to start, 30 minutes worth of earned activity is worth 60 minutes of electronics time. And we’ve agreed to revisit this after a week or so of trying this out. That math is personal to your family and to your goals. Our first goal is to encourage a different way of thinking about our relationship with electronics and to encourage participation. We need our kids to see that a little effort can return a big reward and that their decisions are important to their relationship with electronics. An example…I’m currently listening to the sounds of classical music come from my 12-year-old daughters’ room as she’s showering and getting ready for the day. She wanted to take her “get-ready” time to earn some electronics time. So, she chose to listen to a new type of music and report back to me her thoughts on it. Can I just say, “Yaaaas, Queeeeen!”. Keeping Track Keeping track of their earnings and spending is important. For now, we’ve chosen the old-fashioned, pen to paper way. But, feel free to create your own method. For us, it’s visible and every member of the family has one, thereby making all accountable to each other. And, it shows each member of the family the decisions we are each making on this road to mastery. Here is how we’ve set it up: Each member of the family has their page and it’s in a visible spot where we can all see. Mom and Dad are engaged in monitoring and helping with the documentation as needed. However, each child is responsible for keeping their list current. This helps with their sense of ownership over their decisions as well as their accountability to the process. Don’t skip this step. They need to feel a sense of ownership and control over the decisions they are making. Name: Kari (Mom) Date Activity Time Earned Balance 12/28 Podcast – Fall of Rome 60 mins 120 mins 120 mins 12/28 Game on Phone 15 mins -15 mins 105 mins 12/28 Painting with Harper 150 mins 300 mins 405 mins 12/28 Watching TV 120 mins -120 mins 285 mins 12/29 Blog Writing 60 mins 120 mins 405 mins Another key point is to celebrate their decisions. If they choose to earn versus spend, that’s a win. Celebrate it. If they choose to spend what they’ve earned, that’s a win. Celebrate their rewards. This is not about turning something off and turning something else on. This is about balance. This is about making room for all these things in our society in a way that modifies our thought process about it. Technology isn’t all bad. There are some great benefits to it. And there are some real dangers to it. This process is about mastering our time spent with technology versus letting it own us. Start Off Right For me, this was easy. It fell right into my wheelhouse of parenting and allowed me to use my parenting skills in a positive way to help the family. I’m a navigator, mentoring kind of parent. I thrive in situations where I talk my kids through their situations and help guide them through the waters of tough things. I pray for them behind the scenes and ask God to help guide them too. I’m less effective when the kids need a good swift kick in the ass for doing something dumb. That’s where my hubby thrives. And let me tell you, there are plenty of times when his method is what’s called for. It’s why God made the family unit in the way he did. This method was not so easy for my husband. He was on board for the philosophy and what we wanted to accomplish. Yet, when it came time to kick this off, he struggled with making this a fun thing for the kids. Let me explain. My sweet hubby is a fixer. His approach to life is to fix the problem. He will cut the head off to cure the headache, so-to-speak. If we want reliance on technology to be eliminated, you eliminate the technology. He’s a warrior; a protector of his family. He will slay the dragons and shoot the bad guys so we can all sleep comfortably at night under his watch. We are safe because of him. This approach doesn’t always teach our children how to solve problems within their environment, and this task at hand is about changing an existing mindset, not eliminating one. There is value in both approaches. One is not greater than the other. Life is about learning when you need to cut the head off and when you need to navigate and figure out why the headache is there. Since part of our goal with this plan is to teach out kids how to have a healthy relationship with technology, versus how to cut out technology all together, we needed to ensure that we were encouraging the ownership of the decision-making process within our kids. Allow me to share a few highlights of our journey so that they may help you when making a good start. The Kickoff When I proposed this idea, timing was everything. I waited until a time I knew my kids were going to be going into an opportunity to earn. You can’t start this when they are in the middle of their video game or in the middle of a show. However, if they are on their way to play some hoops with Dad at the YMCA…bingo! Drop the idea. This way, they are starting off in a position of earning for doing what they already have planned. It’s a reward for “doing nothing”. Another great time to drop the idea; while you’re at family dinner time around the table. Dinner with family including discussion and together time is productive for the mind, body, or spirit. While you’re dropping the idea, they are earning time through the discussion. Try your best to make this a proposal for discussion versus a mandate of something we are doing. Start off by saying…”There’s something I’d like to try for the next few days”. If you propose it as a short-term trial, it’s more palatable for the entire family. This is the trial period to see if it works for your family. Emphasis the “we” over the “you”. This is a family decision, and no member of the family is exempt from the process. Parents, we must live by example. That is how our children learn the best. They will do what you do, not just what you say. All members of the family must earn their screen time, not just the kids. This also emphasizes that this is not a punishment in any way. This is a way of life and something that we can work on together to ensure that we control our thoughts and actions. Come with ideas and any rules of the game but encourage an atmosphere of dialogue. Before dropping the entire set of rules and regulations on your kids, give them a space to help structure them. Sure, you have the goals set for this process ahead of time and you’ve come prepared with your ideas. But be willing to listen and consider the input of each member of the family. Buy-in for any process is successful when there’s ownership in the plan. For example, we talked about the earning versus reward. I asked them what they thought it should be. I was surprised that they thought a 1:1 ratio was a fair proposal. Imagine their delight when I counter-proposed a 2:1 ratio of reward to work. Be clear with how earning works and encourage dialogue and ideas. Emphasize that earning doesn’t have to be something they don’t enjoy. Sure, chores count. But emphasize things they do on a daily basis that count as rewards. For example, when they play with their friend after school, earning. When they do their homework, earning. Then amp it up by offering suggestions of things that are fun that can earn them time. There will be plenty of time later to add in the stuff you want them to do more of like chores, cleaning, etc. For the start, it’s all about the buy-in. The Pitfalls Be careful to stay on task. We cannot change the world in a day. This is about little decisions at the start and the way we react will either encourage or discourage progress. Keep the end goal in mind. This is chess, not checkers. Be strategic with every interaction, decision, and word. You will want every decision your child makes to be about saying no to screen time and saying yes to positive action. And every time you see your child make a good decision, it will bolster your thoughts that they CAN make good decisions outside of electronics. You may find yourself getting disappointed with them when they choose electronics the next time over the earnings. Don’t get frustrated. It’s a process. And remember, they’ve had to earn the time. So, they aren’t stealing. They are exercising their earned time. This should be celebrated. Don’t badger your kids with the rules and regulations. Simply follow the plan. If they run out of screen time, enforce the limits. If they beg for more time, simply remind them that all screen time is earned, and remind them of a few things they can do to earn more time right now. But in the beginning, Do Not make exceptions. Some kids will struggle and fight you. Their temper tantrums do not change anything. The only thing that changes their situation is their decisions made. Some kids will absolutely love this. You may even want to reward your kids for doing such a great job and give them unearned screen time. Don’t do it. There’s plenty of time for that later. It’s more important up front to establish the guidelines and stick to them. They must understand the boundaries, and everyone must follow them. If they learn early that unearned rewards can be given, they are learning nothing of the main point of our adventure…EARNED, NOT OWED. If things aren’t going your way, stay calm. Kids are kids and they don’t always act or see the world the way we want them to. That’s okay! Let the process speak for itself. Encourage discussions about how they feel about the new process. Our 15-year-old son was unhappy with this process the first day. Even though he had banked over 2 hours of screen time and was sitting on that pot, he was feeling a sense of loss for what he had access to before. He began complaining to his dad about how unfair this was and that I was holding his freedoms hostage. The next morning, I confronted him in a kind manner about it. I told him that dad spoke to me about their conversation and that I’d like to understand his perspective. I allowed him to share with me how he was feeling about it. As it turns out, he wasn’t giving himself enough credit for his “earnings”. We talked about the decisions he had made the previous night. He had opted not to watch TV with the family because he didn’t want to use his time on the show we were watching. Instead, he went up to his room and read for a while. He hadn’t even considered that this choice was not net neutral. He read! He read for an hour before actually going to bed. I told him that he earned himself 2 hours of screen time by making that decision. He now had 4 hours of screen time banked up and was about to leave for a doctor’s appointment. And when he realized that he got credit for the doctor’s appointment as well, his whole perspective changed. He went into this process thinking that all earnings were like punishment to him. After discussing it further, he is so much more on board. He’s realizing that not only do his choices impact the outcome, but that earning doesn’t have to be hard. And through our discussion, he also learned that he could have conversations about the process in a productive way. It’s ok to not love change. It’s ok to question the system. And it’s ok to work through the change together, as a family. Passing the Baton Lastly, but certainly not least, make this your own. In our home, we have certain rules about types of content each child is allowed to take in. This program has no impact on those rules. The kids are still required to follow the allowable content rules in the home. This program only impacts their time allotted on electronics. Our goal is to encourage our kids to be productive with their time versus relying on technology as a time-management device. So, we are emphasizing the earning part and decision-making part. And the rewards are tailored around that goal. Perhaps your goals are to steer your kids into certain content versus the actual time spent. In that case, perhaps your reward system is skewed in favor of earning more time for content you encourage and less time for content you don’t. The point is this method is flexible and should be tailored to your family goals. RESOURCES: Mayo Clinic, S. (2022, February 10). Tips for setting screen time limits as a parent. https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/childrens-health/in-depth/screen-time/art-20047952#:~:text=Developing%20screen%20time%20rules&text=If%20you%20introduce%20digital%20media,doesn’t%20work%20as%20well.

The Family Screen Time Fight

The Earn, Not Owed Method

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